Report from individual music session 2002
Name : SS
December 12 th , 2002
Today, I felt like I was floating in the space from the beginning. I felt lightning in my eyes, and found the beauty of sitar sound. But I also felt that that calm melody was not sufficient at that time.
Then my body moved heavily. Up and down and left to right, my shoulders, chest, back bones, and both legs were moved violently. Back bones were winded and generated some sounds. At one point in chest, I felt so painful that my face was crooked. Then movement stopped. I felt so tired and body didn't move any more.
After that, I felt that music was penetrating into the deeper parts of my body than before.
My body still didn't move and the music was over.
When I got up, I was absent-minded. So I could not catch what was exactly happened to me. I told Dr. Chandrakant that my body moved a lot, and told Kase san that the melody was so beautiful and it went into my body deeply. I just told what was common and I found that I was studying his face expressions.
When he told me, “Now is your painful part OK?”, I reminded that it was painful. How stupid I am. How can I forget things that I experienced a few minutes ago?
Now I found my habit that when something uncomfortable happened to me, I would make it not happened. After I experienced bullying and mental hospitalization, that habit became extremely. It may be a kind of self-protection. I was living in my imaginary world, not in the reality. Though I felt happiness, it was imaginary, I found. I had tried to avoid things which I didn't like or troubles, and run for something easy or which I liked.
I made excuses to me and to others, and couldn't notice my lie, and I deceived myself. When I was told something wrong, I used to take a defiant attitude, or pretend to be a fool, and never admitted my fault. I loved myself selfishly. When someone admired me, I became excited with joy and went drowned into Ego. That was what I liked very much.
Some people around me pointed out this. Also, I had found similar things by myself and wrote it down on paper for many times.
As he mentioned, this therapy was really a therapy for me. I would like to accept what I felt and experienced in this session earnestly and modestly.
December 9 th , 2002
I felt the music time was so long like twice than usual.
I felt pains and sparking sensations here and there in my body at first. And my mind was caught by a thought such as “painful, blocked, and so hard”. I felt pain and blocked at the center of head, left chest, right ear, and abdomen. And music came into those parts.
Then head moved a little. After that, I felt that the blood circulation was getting better. At the same time, I found all the blocks in my body. So I felt very painful more than before.
But as I found myself at that moment, I started to concentrate on music. Then many thoughts were coming up and I couldn't concentrate on music again. When I found myself again, I noticed that I didn't listen to music. So I tried to go back to music, but I couldn't do it.
While I felt impatience, my ankles, head, neck and shoulders were waved between left and right with some sound. Then, I started to concentrate on music. I didn't feel my body and then music had stopped.
(Is it good for me to do some exercise such as stretching?)
I read my former report again. I saw myself who thought and insisted that I was always right and never accept my faults. I found that I made excuses that everything was caused by others' faults. I had a thought that if I accept my faults I would loose myself or I could not exist.
When troubles happened, I never solved them; instead I changed where I was. So there was no growth or improvement.
Dated November 28 th , 2002
Dr. Chandrakant told me to write all about what I experienced in age 25 and 34-35.
As I also wanted to put out such painful feeling from my mind, I will start to write from my family background. I was brought up in the family with 4 members, parents, elder brother and me. Father was usually not at home because of his business. So we usually spent time together with Mother, elder brother and me.
I had similar characteristics to Father, easy to feel lonely and dependent. Mother was strong or severe, and entirely different from me. My brother had relatively close character to Mother. So I always felt isolated or loneliness and dissatisfaction while my father's absence.
As I couldn't help such situation, I had to accepted them and acted to be cool with compressing such loneliness and dissatisfaction. But I blamed and hated Mother in my mind.
So since I was in Junior high school, I used to eat too much in order to forget such loneliness. I couldn't concentrate on study, I only had a few friends, and I didn't have anybody whom I could talk sincerely.
When I was in high school, I run for a religious group called “Mahikari”. Because I couldn't endure such situation any more. Now I understand that there was no necessity to go into such a religious group, and that I just felt loneliness at that time.
But parents opposed me and I couldn't get along with Mother since then. The habit of excess eating had stopped when I deeply related with “Mahikari”.
In order to go out of the house, I got married with the man 12 years older than me. But the marriage life with his mother was so hard for me. After 6 months, I got tuberculosis and hospitalized for 8 months. As I knew the harms of medicines from “Mahikari”, the hospital life with medicines and muscle infections everyday, was like a hell for me.
Our tuberculosis building was separated and there were double doors locked. And when some of them were died, I got shocked so much Tuberculosis is a disease that there is nothing to do except resting, with .no pain or cough, when it's medical treatment is going progressed.
There was nothing to do in a whole day! And it made my mind sick. So I became hysteric at the latter part in the hospital. Impatience all the time made me mad, and I had lost myself. I just felt helpless. I felt no one helped me nor nobody did anything for me.... So I began to hate my husband.
After coming back from the hospital, I again went into “Mahikari”. It was my first priority and my husband and family went to the second. But my heart had been frozen. It had been frozen with anger, sorrow, and hate. All of my action was taken only from surface level.
And such situation continued for 8 years. As I felt some doubt for “Mahikari” later, I left it with some friends. We started to study about spiritual world.
At the age 32, I got bullying in the office and went into panic. And then, I had consultation with Tamo san.
And since then I felt restless. I couldn't get along with friends, and then I was likely to stay only at home without any contacts with outside.
At the age 35, again I went into panic. So I decided to go to mental hospital by myself. But I felt that I didn't belong to them and that I was different from other patients. So it was too hard for me to stay there. Then I came home after 1 month. As I got terribly shocked and had medicines a lot, I felt helpless, no confidence, and no hope. It seemed that my mind was like a desert.
When I started to study spiritual world, I also learned and practiced “Grain & Vegetable diet”. But my mind had not grown enough, so I rebounded back to my habitual style. And excess eating had started again. And always before going into panic, there was excess eating.
When I reconsidered my panic situations, I found the root cause was lying in the troubles between Mother in law. There was no way to throw them out from my heart. Therefore it seemed that such frustrations and dissatisfactions had burst out from me.
So I found myself separated. One part was positive, studying with Tamo san, and another part was negative with my family members.
The reason of troubles between Mother in law was, in my understanding, that I was so dependent that I couldn't establish the proper relationship with her as an independent person. I think it was the cause for all my troubles with others including my husband.
I found that it was me who thought I couldn't get a good relationship with others. The deeper root cause was in the troublesome relationship with my mother in my childhood.
Dated July 8th , 2002
After the therapy on July 18 th , Dr. Chandrakant explained me that what I felt during therapy was due to his play according to the subtle program, not happened by accident.
As I didn't know this fact, I thought that it was OK for me just to listen to his play during MT. So when my friend said that she wanted to take MT, I replied easily, “Why don't you listen to his CD? I will send it to you.”
Now I understand that if she really wants to take MT, it is better to recommend her to meet Dr. Chandrakant directly and take MT. Listening to his CDs must come after this.
I am very sorry that I did in the wrong way. I shall convey Dr. Chandrakant's words to her correctly, and then I will send her CD if she wants.
I have a habit that I didn't think deeply and do wrong with a superficial idea.
I have an idea of why I couldn't breathe easily and why my abdomen is stuck and hard. They are because of giving shocks to my mind by myself. And they are also the things what I don't want to remember. For a long time, I couldn't have energy to recover myself and didn't know how.
Now if it is allowed, I really want to recover myself with the help of Dr. Chandrakant, Tamo san, and others.
I sincerely wish to live the true Self of mine.
Dated July 9 th 2002
When the music started, music came into my chest at first as usual, and I felt both hands numbed. I also felt heavy that there were some lumps (blocks) in the body.
I felt numbness in the toe of my legs. I felt some sensation or pain on neck, shoulders, and head especially the right temple. The blocks reacted with the music. And then the block in the chest disappeared, and I felt some space there.
I felt it was bright and felt good, whole of my body relaxed, and I almost opened my eyes.
It was not like sleeping. It was quiet and silent, and it was like meditation.
After the therapy, I found my body and mind was very clear surprisingly.
I felt my eyes open fully and deeply. it seemed that my eyes were wide spread up to half of my face. I felt everything was light.
Dated July 8 th , 2002
“I felt that Chandrakant san was a very good person but I couldn't speak English and felt a little bit fear. But it melted on June 28 th .
And at the same time, some tension in my body went outside and felt relaxed. And some helpless uneasiness I used to have got smaller.
The feeling of “I can't help” disappear, and the confidence that I am all right generated clearly.
The energy to live was weakened before, but now I can feel the energy springing.
I couldn't trust anyone before. And I found that the abnormal closeness which I used to have for cats was the love for the weak beings.
I feel that my mentality is being restructured. I feel the body light.
Thank you very much. I am looking forward to taking the next session.